This Christmas....

Decisions

"A real decision is measure by the fact that you've taken a new action.  If there's no action, you haven't truly decided."
~Tony Robbins~

"My basic principle is that you don't make decisions because they are easy; you don't make them because they are cheap; you don't make them because they're popular; you make them because they're right.”
~Theodore Hesburgh~

"The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”
 ~Flora Whittemore~

        I have been in a an existentialist state for the past few months and am not seeming to snap out of it.  Not that I want to exactly snap out of it, but I have been consumed what I should do with my life.  I seem to have so much going on yet I have this feeling something is missing at times.  I have many things pulling at my heart that I feel like I am meant to do yet finances, time, etc. stands in the way.  Perhaps waiting for life to unfold is the most difficult thing. 

         I have had this conversation with several different close friends lately about how every day we are faced with countless decisions.  Each decision has the possibility of forever changing the course of our life.  We could walk past someone or we can stop and chat and form a new friend for life.  One can decide to break a law and wind up in the prison for life.  Obviously some decisions hold larger weights than others, but each decision can take our life path in a whole different direction.  It's a scary thing and perhaps it is part of becoming a full fledged adult becoming more self aware that every decision we make has positives and negatives.  No decision we make good or bad doesn't come with both negatives and positives.  What I have been struggling with is several opportunities before me.  Those opportunities I hold the ability to decide their fate.  I have weighed the positives and negatives yet I can't decide.  It is not just one thing, but many things that right now are weighing on my heart yet I can't make a decision yes or no for fear of the negatives and positives that would come from each.  Some of these decisions Brian and I are trying to work through and others are more on a personal level.  Even after praying and waiting to see how things unfold I find myself or we find ourselves stumped with what to do.  Some of these decisions are small and petty while others would surely flip our lives upside down and twist them forever....both in possibly good and bad ways.

          I do not want what I'm saying to be interpreted that I'm not happy with my life for I truly am.  I wouldn't say that unless it was true.  Brian and I are in the best imaginable place right now than we ever have been in all aspects of our lives.  Things are going so well in our home and if anything everything is flying high.  With winter approaching I expected to get those seasonal blues to pass through however it actually seems that great things are happening left and right.  I don't know if back logged Karma is kicking in or if it's Christmas season magic taking affect on our lives but things are going so well for us for the past few months.  It is because things are going so well that many of these decisions have come into our lives. 

        I never really intended on blabbering on about this.  My words are all jumbled and were not very well thought out.  This was all spoken from the heart and mind unedited.  Words just flowed as they came to me.  I am sure I'm not the only one who is a bit uneasy or unsure about making decisions.  Even decisions that seem so easy and simple can bring an abrupt change to our lives and in the end we hold the key to our own futures and that can be ever so daunting!  


"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
 ~Eyemadreamer Keri Russell~
 
"Some choices we live not only once but a thousand times over, remembering them for the rest of our lives.”
 ~Richard Bach~

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.”
~Amelia Earhart~ 

Christmas Tree Excursion!

Last weekend we spent the weekend at "The Land".  Many of our weekends are spent out in the middle of nowhere land.  My parents purchased a large amount of acres and currently a weekend/getaway cabin is in process of being built.  It has been a long process but is finally taking true shape.  In the mean time we stay in campers during our weekend visits, but don't be fooled they are more like mobile homes!  Anywho's, we were out running errands with my parents, Quinn, and Mary Grace and decided we should hit up the local Christmas tree farm to find and cut down our own tree.  Beyond all the mud and the fact that there were a million and one tree's.  Most of the trees were grown too close to each other so most were ruined because the were growing literally on top of each other so were not full and often times one whole side was missing needles and growth. 


My parents found their tree and with the help of Brian to start with then Mary Grace for the big finish they chose their tree.  Don't mind the picture quality as it was an unplanned trip so I was just left with my cell phone on a terrible overcast day! 


TIMBER!!!!!!!!!!!


All by herself Mary Grace pulled the tree on the sled all the way out!


Of course that was after a few stumbles and falls! 


She kept getting back up and going!

Brian and I ended up deciding to purchase a live bulb Christmas tree that we hope will live in our house for Christmas festivities then will be able to be planted at my parents land.   We think it's a 50/50 thing if it'll live, but for the price it was comparable to the other tree's that were cut and have no chance of living!


We ended the night by going to the Christmas parade the city has every year.  This was our first year in attendance.  This was the view on the hood of the car of the "reindeer's" waiting for the parade to start up.  I just love my husband, people walked by laughing and he took every compliment and wore those reindeer's antlers (of course with bells on them!) with pride! 

The Accident

I failed to yield.

I stepped on the gas so that I would not need to stop.

I thought my right of way was more important. I thought that I had better reason for getting out front. I was traveling faster anyway. It seemed to make sense.

I assumed there would be an understanding. A mutual agreement between us.

He must have forgot.

He held pace, which was no match for mine.

We collided. Crashed. It was so painful!

Don't you know?

I assumed you understood!

You know me! You know what I want... right?

Look at this mess! Oh the pain...

I screamed these words and sobbed.

His feet were near, so on them I collapsed.

Exhausted from leaning on myself, my strength was gone.

Oh the pain and suffering from my own ways. For trying to lead myself I now suffer horrible pain.

In one last attempt, I tried to understand, You knew, right? You know me! You knew of my plans...

My wailing was silenced. He bent down and whispered...

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. (Jeremiah 29: 11 & 12)

My Heart Skipped a Beat

Yesterday unbeknowest to me I came across a sibling group that took my breath away.  I had clicked on something a family friend had posted on Facebook about an orphan boy with Marfan syndrome.  After clicking on there I came across an organization Reeces Rainbow.  They specialize in placing available for adoption orphan children with Down Syndrome and other special needs in families.  After clicking around I came across a blog post a woman who has adopted wrote.   She screams from her blog for children who are from her sons old orphanage who need homes.  She yells and fundraisers and brings awareness to the least of these.  It was there my eyes met his.  His "fake" name is Samuel as I learned they use "fake" names to protect the children's identities and information.  What I went on to read broke my heart into pieces. 


(Samuels mental institution where he lives - photo via http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/)

One little boy far away in Ukraine was in a car accident with his parents.  His parents both died.  He was left unable to use his legs from the very same accident.  When the accident occurred it did not say.  What it did say I met with horror.  This same little boy also had a sister who on this same day they both became orphans.  They entered the Ukraine system where foster care is near nonexistent and orphanages still exist filled to the brim with children.  These two were split up due to the younger boy born in April 2006 being placed in an all boys/men mental asylum because of his physical disability.  In Ukraine physical disabilities are viewed to be as severe and equal to mental disabilities.  These children are casted off into these institutions given very little care, no education, no therapy, and no contact with the outside world.  Many are bedridden and stay in beds all day.  Luckily this little guy has been grouped in the highest functioning group therefore he gets to partake in programs that missionaries come and put on.  His sister who is HIV+ was then placed in a normal typical orphanage.  Two children who not only lost their both their parents, lost each other, and one lost the use of his legs.  I could not imagine losing everything including ones ability to use their legs all because of one horrific accident. 

(Sitting on a caretakers lap during a program by humanitarian missionaries, you can see his tiny wheelchair next to them)

This same little boy that has no cognitive delays or problems is now in a wheelchair at this big orphanage in Ukraine with hundreds of other lost boys between the ages of 5-18 where he will remain until 18 then be transferred to an adult asylum.  From what I read he was normal developing and talking but from being in the institution he is now losing his words.  His body is going into survival mode as all he hears day in and out is the moaning of groaning of the other boys around him with extensive medical problems.  If this had happened here not only would these children likely already be in a forever family, he would likely have surgery or therapy and the chance of walking or at least the chance to receive an education and opportunities.  Now he sits in an asylum far away in Ukraine in a tiny little town wasting away and losing the ability to survive and thrive.  Little is known about his sister who is in a different part of the region other than a tiny grainy picture and her month and year of August 2004.  An 8 year old and little 6 year old in desperate need of a family!  They are of a Roma background which makes them the minority in Ukraine.  Roma people and children are often mistreated and casted to the side as there is a very racist view in Europe of Roma people.  So not only are their ages a huge strike against them, their race, as well as her HIV+ status and his wheelchair bound status.  It looks grim their future, but I know somewhere out there someone will see these children as their own.  Their story is so heartbreaking, yet I hope there story will not stop there and some day will glorify Him and show how anything is possible. 


(Samuel the little guy in red sitting with all the other boys)

Not only did this woman's words resonate in my heart, but they pushed me to reach out and try to do more.  You can read her words, the same words I happened to stumble upon and read that shattered my heart into a million pieces http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2012/11/for-this-child.html  She has been praying for this child hoping to save him from what her son once lived through.  You can look at the rest of her blog and see how her son has since thrived since he was once a Lost Boy.  Her words are so powerful and you can read what she has specifically written about the Lost Boys here http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/search/label/Lost%20Boys



Why I came across these children's story is beyond me.  I couldn't help but wonder if for one reason or another I was meant to stumble across them for some greater reason.  One thing is for sure is that they now will be added to my prayers.  I have not been able to get them out of my mind so I felt the need to blog and reach out in case someone who may read this may know someone or they themselves may open their hearts and homes to these children.  The least that can be done is we can each pitch in what we can to these children's grant fund set up to receive tax-deductible donations to lighten the financial burden for a family who may adopt them.  I know we will be throwing in what we can in hopes it will help find their forever family.  Donations can be made here on their page http://reecesrainbow.org/50293/samuel-sara



Upon doing further research I found that no family has ever in this organizations history not been able to complete their adoption due to financial problems.  Many middle class working normal families are stepping up to take in the least of these like we are called to in the gospel.  It takes a giant leap of faith and a lot of fundraising to bring children like these home but I know from seeing others who have done it that it would so be worth it to spare these two.  If you look on the Reeces Rainbow website you can read other families who have committed to specific children that are in different stages of their adoptions as well as completed adoptions and read their stories and follow their blogs.  It is unbelievable the changes these children undergo once they are home and being loved, being cared for, getting proper nutrition and vitamins, and receiving the proper therapies they need. 


(Sitting on a caretakers lap on the far left such a tiny little guy just wanting to be held)

Ukraine Adoption Requirements (via Reeces Rainbow):

Married couples only

No parental age restrictions

One parent must be 25 years old to complete the adoption

Must be 15 years older than adopted child

No stated family size restrictions

Total with travel approx $25k

Both parents for 2 1/2 weeks to attend court

Both parents return home for 10 day wait

Only one must return to complete the adoption for approx 14 days

Can stay incountry for entire time instead of having two trips

Some cases only one parent can travel to complete the adoption

No history of mental health conditions or infectious diseases

No criminal history

May adopt multiple unrelated children

This is a very fast program! Start to finish is an average of 7 months. Families committing to children in this program, especially the children at risk of the institution, should be in a financial position to complete the adoption quickly. It is a blessing to be able to adopt so quickly, but leaves little time for major fundraising efforts.

If you or someone you know may be interested in these two children follow the links above and contact Reeces Rainbow for more information.

Thankful Trot 2012

While I am a bit late on the Thanksgiving thankful train, I still wanted to take the time to make a list of everything I am thankful for this year.  It may sound cliche but remembering how blessed we are and what we are truly thankful for can help us remember what's most important in our lives.  In no specific order I figured I'd rattle off things I'm thankful for as they come to mind....I'm sure many things I will forget:

• My husband who teaches me and shows me what unconditional love is every single day, I couldn't imagine my life without him!  He is my one and only and is my everything.  We have been through a lot together the past 5 almost 6 years and are strong as ever.  I don't say that just to say it, but it is honestly true.  While I know we each have our moments, my love and appreciation for him just continues to grow.  Just like our first wedding dance song goes, "and I thought I loved you then".  Just when I think I can't love him any more a giant wall crumbles and somehow I love him even more than before.  I am thankful for a strong marriage with very open communication and trust.  It is so true that marriage takes work and it is my prayer that we continue to always be working on our marriage and keep it as strong as it is now 1 1/2 years in :)
• My parents, the ones who taught me unconditional love first and showed me what love really is and continue to.
• More specifically my mom who is the most selfless person I know.  She is always there for each and every one of her children.  She feels our accomplishments as well as pain.  She has taught me so much without even knowing it, things only a mother with her own actions is able to teach.  I hope to be at least half the mother she is.
• More specifically my dad who has always been one to push me to succeed.  He has never let me give up and pushed me to continue on through so much.  I have such a special bond with him that nothing could ever break.  I may be getting older, but I'll always be a daddy's girl and know if I'm ever in a bind or need help with anything he's always willing to drop everything to help. 
• My siblings (and sister-in-law!) who are always supportive of my "great ideas" and though we may bicker at times no matter what always have my back....I surely have a militia behind me.
• My nephew GT who is just so darn cute and cracks me up!
• My mother-in-law.  I am happy to see how she has embraced Brian and I as a couple and is always there with a kind word of encouragement and thought.   Above all I am thankful she raised Brian to be the amazing man he is.
• My father-in-law.  Brian's dad passed away our sophomore year of college, however I am so blessed to have known him for the year that I did.  We were able to visit and make memories that forever I will cherish.  I treasure those memories deeply as I was able to see the type of devoted father and husband my own husband has or will become without a doubt.  I look forward to sharing those short but important memories with my children one day about their grandfather.
• When they say you marry into a family that is so true!  I am blessed to have a whole new extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins whom have all been more than welcoming and that means more to me than they will ever know.
• Also I'm thankful for my own extended family most of which is made up of "aunts" and "uncles" who may only be family friends but embody and deserve that title more than blood most times.
• God which is a no brainer because without Him I'd have or be nothing.
• For my two fluffy children, how boring my life would be without these weirdo's!  They know how to read me more than anyone else and are so comforting yet keep me active and on my toes....
• For a roof over my head that is not just a house, but truly a home.  I honestly appreciate it every single day.
• For food on our table, in our cupboard, fridge, freezer, and in our stomachs.  So many do without.
• Clean drinking water that we waste and take for granted
• For a supportive and loving network of friends.  Some old and some new.  We surround ourselves with great people and honestly don't know what we would do without all of them. 
•  For the Internet....how did generations do without it?!?!  There would be no blogging or social networking or even webmd to freak me out every time I look up a minor ailment!   
• Cars to get us to and fro, without them we would never see most of our friends that are now so spread out.  I think I could pull off the buggy and horse look though...huh?!?!
• My camera, without it I would not notice so much beauty in the world and within people that my lens is able to zero in on and make me focus all my attention only on what I can see through the viewfinder.
• Ice cream....enough said!
• My faith, I would never make it to where I am today physically or mentally without something to not only fall back on, but something that I try to follow and live every day through.
• Love because it's a beautiful thing!
• Cell phones as they keep me in touch with family and friends, no one is ever farther than a phone call away!
• A college degree and the oppurtunity to have such a strong well rounded education when many do not have the same oppurtunity.
• Brian's job and his hardworking mentality, without either we would not be able to have everything we have.  I appreciate his hardwork and desire to contribute to the workforce.  There is no harder working individual than my husband hands down!
• Security both emotional and physically.  We don't live in a warn torn area and I don't have to worry if my house or family will still be alive and in place on a daily basis. 
• The orphans in Honduras as a whole and specifically individuals.  My heart will always be with them and even if they may not be wanted or loved by their families, they forever will be prayed for each and every night in my prayers and loved by me.  Sounds cliche but it's so true.  I'm not thankful they are orphaned, but thankful they have a safe place to grow up where they will know God. 
• For every lesson I've learned, even the hard ones as they've shaped me into the person I am today.
• Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Backstreet Boys, and Lady Antebellum (ok now I'm getting crazy with this list!) as I listen to their music almost if not daily.  Just love them!

Out of these Ashes, Beauty will Rise

Some times in life things don’t go our way or how we planned them to go.  I’m sure each and every one of us have heard this and likely said it ourselves at some point in life.  While we all have to deal with disappointment and heartache, we hold on to the thought that things will get better….and they do.  It’s the time in between and waiting that can be such a killer.  Some of us are luckier than others and things just fall right into place exactly how we would like them.  Well for me that would not be the case.  While this is not my typical blogging topic, I feel the need to share and be brutally honest and transparent.  You do not have to read it or agree with me sharing something so personal, but I feel the need to do this and being that this is my blogging domain I can write whatever I wish. 

I have dreamed of the day I would become a mother since I can remember.  I have had the best mother to show me what a selfless mother is and have provided me the opportunity to see, feel, and know what unconditional love is.  Perhaps it is because I have five siblings, four of which are younger than I am that I have always had a heart for children.  I have babysat since I was 12 years old all the way through high school.  Once I hit college I took up summer jobs at a daycare and even worked at a daycare during the school year connected with our college.  I’ve traveled to Honduras three times to work with orphan children at an orphanage and loving on them is pure heavenly.  During college for a whole year, Brian and I volunteered once a week running an after-school program at a local women’s and children’s shelter.  It comes with no surprise that I graduated with a teaching degree for I absolutely just love children.

It was shortly after Brian and I got married that I was diagnosed with PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome.  I shrugged it off, did a lot of reading up on it, and thought ok this is fine we can still get pregnant on our own.  I dealt with the weight gain and lack of periods and held onto the thought that we could do this unassisted like everyone else around us seemed to get pregnant.  Little did I know our battle with infertility started to rage.  After a few months we finally saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist  at the start of January and she ordered a battery of tests for both myself and Brian to rule out other infertility issues.  It was only the PCOS I had to blame and the doctor said with my symptoms chances of us getting pregnant on our own was near impossible.  She gave us the low down on the beginner fertility drugs that pretty much are low dosage and just kick start your body and off we went.  I thought ok simple, do some blood work, take some fertility pills, do the “deed” on the projected days, then bam I’ll join the “I’m pregnant club”.   I can honestly say I have never mentally battled with anything so strong before or had my faith shaken so much. 

                Infertility is one of those things people just do not discuss.  I’m not writing this for pity, but to record my feelings to look back upon and to educate others.  After reading pretty much everything on the internet and seeing statistics I specifically remember walking through the mall looking around wondering how many other women are battling this secret monster.  This secret monster that simply just consumes your whole being.  1 in every 6 couples deals with infertility, yet why do we struggle so silently?  Why is there so much shame that we keep hidden inside of us that we only share with only a few chosen people?  12 months of trying to conceive must be done before someone is considered to be infertile.  12 long months of battling with the feelings of inadequacy and defeat.  It can be so isolating at times that even your spouse cannot understand your distress.  Each pregnant person that passes you just makes your stomach fall to the floor.  Every time you hear someone say they didn’t want to become pregnant you just want to smack them.  That big green giant is always in the room when you see a newborn baby.  Each baby shower invite causes you to choke back tears, tears of frustration and personal failure.  You beg to be that new mother in the store wearing sweatpants with her hair pulled up and dark bags under her eyes failing to juggle her newborn in the car seat, the baby bag, the shopping cart, and on the verge of tears.  Before I would have looked at her and thought I’ll never be like that, but here I am now wishing to be in that position.

 I began to worry as I read real life horror stories of women trying for 3, 5, even 10 years to become pregnant fearing maybe I would be part of that club.  I think it is important to share my uphill experience dueling with this monster.  I am a rather transparent person and put everything out there and feel that infertility is something that should be spoken about more often.  Sharing my experience I’m sure others can relate and will not feel so alone.  Everything in your life is shaken up and all your prior accomplishments dwindle into nothing as you find you have never ever wanted anything more than to be a mother.   As we did our first and second round of fertility drugs I became an expert cycle day counter.  Things I never thought it was possible to know about oneself, I learned.  If anything, this whole experience has made me more aware of my body and self than ever before. 

It was on my second round that I just knew and few weeks later on April 24^th and we rejoiced and jumped for joy when we got those two pink lines.  This was it.  I would not be that woman waiting 2 years for baby number 1.  2 months of fertility drugs and the first time the pill dosage had actually worked and bang I was pregnant.  Our first ultrasound was exciting and we saw a heartbeat.  Our hearts were fleeting and I joined every phone baby app out there yearning to learn everything I could about this tiny little being growing inside of me.  I worried a lot about miscarrying but as each week went by I could see us closer and closer to that safety net of 12 weeks.  We waited a few weeks from when we knew to then share the news with our direct family.  We told my family first being that we see them more often due to living close by.  Everyone was excited and the planning for the future started.  It was on Mother’s day that we told Brian’s mom and brother and all were elated.  I received my first Mother’s Day card and cried at the thought that next year I was going to be a mother holding my bundle of joy.  I was on cloud nine as we started planning on the nursery, circled my supposed due date on every calendar we had, started to gear our lives towards parenthood. 

Then it happened.  We had a major scare as I started to bleed near the end of May.  Had an ultrasound the next day and our little bean was still ok and heartbeat was strong.  It was a major kick to the gut and a major scare but the bleeding subsided.  I had another appointment set for my 9 week mark the last week in May and it was there that on the screen showed no longer did our baby have a heartbeat.  What was once a little person taking form just looked like a big blob now.  Before they even told me I knew.  My first thought after I knew went straight to scripture, He giveth and He taketh away.  Why that would flash through my mind is beyond me, yet it gave me a moment of comfort before the tears began to fall and my heart smashed.  My faith right there and then was shaken more than it ever has been.  I have dealt with loss before but never something like this.  I was blessed my mom came with me to the ultrasound, as Brian had to work, as otherwise I would have never made it home and her words were the only comfort around me at that time.  My life seemed to be caving in and I thought to myself surely this is all just a terrible dream.  Drastic choices had to be made and it was all a blur.  In one whole day I found out we lost our baby, found myself going into surgery, then back out and at home laying on the couch wondering how this all happened. 

The days after surgery I mourned heavily for our loss.  Loss of this child.  Loss of all those plans we had.  Loss of the excitement.  Loss of all those dreams I had for this child.  Loss of everything.  I could hardly get out of bed and my eyes were so red and physically hurt, this was raw pain.  Bitter tears ran down my face from morning until night.  I was angry and questioned God more than ever.  Life was just not fair.  I had done everything right, I played the game fair and did all the right things.  I stayed away from caffeine, took those fishy prenatal pills, exercised, got enough sleep, ate healthy, I did it all yet my all was not enough.  I wanted this baby unlike those teen moms and other woman who unexpectedly find themselves pregnant.  I questioned God how I could struggle so much to get pregnant then when the time came to rejoice and be happy all of it was cut short.  Life truly had become a balancing act.  There were even times I thought to myself I just wanted to get in my car and run away, somewhere, anywhere, just get out of here and get away from everything I was dealing with.  I was desperate to escape.  Brian was wonderful through the whole experience and I would never have made it through it without him and my family but everything felt cold to me.  No one could help me.  I know Brian struggled to comfort me while dealing with the loss himself, yet I was at rock bottom walking through a valley.  Sunlight came in morning yet my world was still dark.  My soul was hurt and scarred and the emotional toll at times felt too much to bear. 

I would look around me when we went out and thought these people have no idea what I am dealing with right now.  I wondered how many around me were dealing with the same thing, dealing with a loss.  Yet we walk around as if everything is perfect afraid to share our sorrows.  Going onto Facebook reading everyone’s happy cheery perfect life status’ I was in misery and just wanted to shout that life was not so happy and cheery.  Anything happy would just anger me more and cause me to become even more distressed.  My faith was shaken, stomped on, and thrown to the curb, yet I tried to remain faithful and remember He giveth and He taketh away.  How I could go into such mourning over something that only grew inside of me for 9 weeks is beyond me, but I did.  I loved that baby before I even knew I was pregnant.  This was the baby I prayed for.  This was the baby we struggled our first almost whole year of marriage for.  Life was not fair.  Surely I knew we would have the chance again to have a child, yet I mourned for this child and for us right now. 

After about three weeks I stopped crying.  I could start to see the light out of the dark place I was in.  I am not exaggerating when I say a miscarriage is a huge emotional and physical blow.  No one can even imagine the amount of loss unless you’ve be through the same unfortunate experience.  No words from others can take away the pain.  I formed a new appreciation for life and for other women who have been in that same dark place.  The rubble seemed to be falling to the side and I looked forward to trying again hoping to become pregnant again thinking it would ease the sting a bit.  It would not replace what could have been, but the pain of our loss would be met with joy once again.  I saw the RE again and was put on a wait and see.  I had to wait for my HCG levels to drop as they did at a super slow pace as I did weekly blood work.  May became June which led to July and then to August.  I felt myself slipping back into a dark place as I saw no end in sight.  Finally in August they were low enough so I had an ultrasound which found something in there and after told to take a medication and again more waiting. 

Now in September, 4 months after my miscarriage the second ultrasound shows the medication did not help and I needed the same surgery all over again.  Back to where I was at.  It was like living my whole miscarriage all over again.  Same exact procedure just different day and oh that’s right, after 4 months of waiting and waiting and waiting some more just to do this all over again.  The emotions flooded me again.  It honestly felt like a second miscarriage though I never had become pregnant during that 4 month span.  I could have been half way through a second pregnancy.  The “could have been’s” just consumed me.  I felt defeated as they wheeled me in the surgery room all over again.  The surgery ended up successful and we were then told to wait 2 months again for proper healing until we can begin our chlomid fertility treatment cycles and try again.

As I type all of this we are now in November and on the verge of starting our first chlomid cycle which will start at the end of November and carry into December.  We won’t know if this will have been a successful cycle until early January.  It has been 6 months since we miscarried and here we find ourselves right at the start like we were last January with fertility treatments.  Almost a whole year since we started fertility treatments, about a year and a half since we started to try.  Instead of holding a newborn at the end of December, like we should have been, we will be holding onto the hope that we get pregnant on this first cycle trying again.  It is exciting yet scary for what lies ahead.  It could happen for us quickly like our first pregnancy or it could drag on for months or even a year or more.  I have hope and a feeling that it will happen quickly, but that is yet to be seen.  While we wait, we will be starting foster care/adoption classes in January that we intended on doing anyways prior to our struggle with infertility.  We will continue the classes and process to become certified whether or not I get pregnant as this is something we agreed we wanted to do even before we were married.

 In the meantime, we continue to pray and hold onto the hope that it will happen again and our tears will be turned into joy.  As we wait and as everyone we encounter asks us that common question of when we plan to start a family, we will continue to half smile and look down at our shoes and gently answer “we’re working on it”.  Little do they know, behind that half smile, we are fighting an ugly battle for just that very thing.  Who would have thought a year and a half ago that same question that brought so much excitement then would now be robbed of the excitement and be replaced with a feeling of guilt and anguish?  The internal battle with infertility continues to rage but I refuse to let us give up and be defeated by it.  I refuse to walk around shamefully and silent.  Our ultrasound picture of our little bean sits framed on our fireplace mantel as a reminder of what we are fighting for and that we now have an angel watching over us.  We look to the future with open eyes and hearts and to that day we get those two pink lines again that our hearts have been longing for.  We know out of these ashes, beauty will rise. 

My Sign!

I was driving home and began to pray about some life things going on and in desperation asked God for a sign, anything to let me know there is hope and that my prayers are being heard. Not a few seconds later as I turned onto my road I spotted this guy hanging out on someone's tree lawn with a Free sign tied around him. I almost flew off the road as there right in front of me was my SIGN waiting for me! I got my sign, shivers, renewed hope, and now St. Francis Assisi has a new home at the Medvid residence :)

Moral of the story: never underestimate God and the power of prayer! 

Orphan Sunday on Tuesday!

I was intending on posting this on Sunday but now I am having my own advocating orphan Sunday on Tuesday!  The first Sunday of each November is supposed to be orphan Sunday.  It was a movement started within churches to bring attention to orphans and orphan care.  Thousands of churches across the U.S. give homilies or show videos bringing orphans to the forefront and helping people become aware of the orphan epidemic both internationally and in our very own country.  Having held orphans in my very own arms and loved on the least of these, this is something near and dear to my heart.  It is through our firsthand experience with orphan children that my husband Brian and I have felt called and have decided to become foster parents open to adopting through the U.S. foster care system.  We made a few calls and have done our research and read through countless paperwork.  We have decided to go ahead and will start our pre-service training in January and look forward to opening our home and hearts to a child or sibling group in need of a family wether it be for one week or a lifetime.  The Bible says countless times that we are commanded to care for orphans whom are the least of these.  Each one of us is able to do something. 

Please today take a moment to watch these three videos.  I went through and selected a these videos that are filled with statistics that will open your eyes and astound some.  After watching these video's please ask yourself what part you can play in the life of an orphan.  I'm not going to ask you to donate $1 a day or anything like those infomercials we all have seen at 2 a.m.  What I am going to ask you to do is pray and help spread the word while also asking yourself what you can do.  It only takes one person to save one life. 

 

While each one of us are in different places in our lives, we all can do something:

1.) Adopt a child or sibling group

2.) Foster a child or sibling group

3.) Sponsor an orphan through a monthly or yearly program

4.) Make a one time donation to an orphan ministry

5.) Volunteer on a mission trip and be the hands of feet to orphans

6.) Advocate for a waiting child and spread the word so they may find their forever families

7.) Support financially and with prayer a family who is adopting or fostering

8.) Probably the most important, PRAY....pray for orphans and their situation



 

 

This second video is rather intense but definately worth watching.  It is a bit longer than the first, but so true and possibly life changing. 

 

 

This last video is a song and music video by a Christian band Third Day - Children of God.  They bring up the importance that we have all been adopted by God into his family as his sons and daughters.  Adopting and redeeming us was costly and made us His heirs.   

 

 

  

 

"Heroes are made because they are moved, not in their head, but in their heart."

Homemade Laundry Detergent!

It has been quiet around here lately, but of course that's because I have been completely consumed making laundry detergent.....ok so that may not be exactly true.  Actually, not nearly close to true as it only takes a mere 15 minutes from start to finish to make a ginormous amount....5 gallons to be exact!!!!  When I was coming up with ideas on how we can be more frugal with our money I was looking at different avenues where we could cut.  It was there that I learned how much over the course of a year we spend on laundry detergent and how it is so simple to make on our own.  After you have your start-up materials that costs say around $10 it only costs $0.98 for your next batch! 

We just ran out after a year and two months of using our first batch!  We do about 3-4 loads a week so you can do the math for savings and how much this stretches!  For something that costs around $11 for the first batch and only $0.98 for our second batch and will last us another year and two months NOTHING can beat it! We know exactly what is in it and it's all natural ingredients.  For someone who are sensitive to different skin irritants, this is perfect as it's hypoallergenic.  This can even be used for heavy soiled cloth diapers and on sensitive clothing so it's versatile.  The best thing is there really is no way you can totally screw it up, seriously!  I was skeptical at first but after an incident with chocolate milk all over a white shirt a quick run through the washer had it come out spotlessly clean....I was SOLD!

Want to know my secret recipe?!?!  Well there are about a bazillion (yes that's a specific amount) recipes floating on the Internet.  Some are dry and others are liquids. We personally prefer liquid soap.  After reading reviews and countless recipes, we went with a simple liquid formula.

All you need:
- 5 gallon paint bucket with lid --- bought ours at Walmart for $2
- Super Washing Soda $4-5 and found at Walmart (in the laundry section) and Aces Hardware
                   (NEEDS TO BE WASHING SODA - NOT BAKING SODA!!!!)
- Borax - $4-5 in the laundry section
- Fels-Naptha - A whopping $0.98 also living in the laundry section (Some use Ivory soap instead)
- OPTIONAL - Essential Oils (I like the smell of the detergent which takes on the Fels-Naptha smell so we don't use extra essential oils.  Clothes come out of the washer/dryer smelling like nothing.  Sounds weird, but it's true.  The clothes take on a smell of just clean....real clean not blossoming flowers, an apple orchard, or orange mulberry bush whatever!  I've never used essential oils before so, to be honest, I'm just staying clear of them for now and figure the clean smell of fresh is good for me!)

What's great this time is all we had to do was buy a new Fels-Naptha bar for $0.98 for a batch that will last a bit over a year!  A years worth of laundry detergent for $0.98, I'll take that for savings!!!!

So you start off with getting your materials together and having your paint bucket ready to go!

Using a cheese grater, you need to grate the entire bar of

Fels-Naptha soap into a large pot

It will look like this....don't be fooled, it's not Cheddar Cheese so no eating please!

Then put in about 4 cups of water and begin to boil on medium-high

 

In the meantime, as that's coming to a boil, fill up half way the paint bucket with hot water.  My super smart husband this time remembered to use our hose sprayer from our sink which made it so easy.  Last time we dumped in cups of hot water...for some reason we always forget we have a sprayer!

 

Then goes in 1/2 cup of Borax

1 whole cup of Super Washing Soda

Then you're just waiting for the rest of the soap to dissolve into the water.

Once it is all dissolved pour it into the bucket

Stir, stir, stir!

Then top off with more water all the way to the top.

Stir one last time (all the bubbles will disappear don't worry!)

Then put the lid on and let it sit overnight!

The next day find a child that you can put to work illegally through child labor.  Have said child laborer stir the congealed laundry detergent.  At first it will be almost jelly like but after stirring it will soften and be ready to go! 

 

We leave ours in the bucket and keep the bucket by our washer machine.  If you have a used laundry detergent bottle you can pour some in there and use it that way.  We just dip our measuring cup into the bucket to scoop out ours.  For a normal old-school top loading washer you will need to use 1/2 cup for a load.  If you have a new front loading HE washer all you need is a 1/4 cup scoop. 

 

 

For super dirty jobs we will pour in an extra scoop full of detergent and at times Oxi Clean, because I swear by anything Billy May's put out! 

Thinking Color!

So from my past posts it's obvious I am in remodel mode!  The hardest part of remodeling to me isn't the actual work (though that is tough work!) but is coming up with design elements and colors.  Usually I start with color options for the room I am undertaking.  After playing with some color ideas I start thinking details and how to bring in different elements to make it work.

While I am not right now physically remodeling, I am coming up with ideas for the rooms still needing done.  What is our office now will be turned into a nursery in due time and we already have our design theme ready to go for that.  We actually already have the paint and many knick knacks as originally it was going to be our guest room theme.  We decided it would make a great neutral nursery instead.  Our guest bedroom is almost complete beyond getting a mattress for our top bunk then I'll be sure to share what we did in there. 

So for right now we are waiting on getting a fence.  I have had a bunch of offers come in and we have pretty much decided who we are going to go with. Now it's a matter of finding out specific property lines then will go in our fence to keep our inmate dogs in!  We are considering getting a shed as well as we know it's end of the year and we know an Amish place that has great fall deals so we may just get one if the price is right but we shall see.  After the fence or during the process we are going to start tackling our basement.  We have major plans for down there.  Half is already finished but not anything close to "finished" like we want.  The other half is all storage and laundry area.  We are first going to be building a large room which will become our new office/craft room and guest bedroom.  I recently bought a hutch piece off of craigslist for a great deal and we will be drastically painting it to go with that rooms fun theme (which is super secret but classic!).  Once the room is framed, insulated, and dry walled we will take on painting. 

Meanwhile the other room has a giant bar and cabinets that we are ripping out to make more room.  This will become hopefully like a large family room so we are trying to allow for as much room as possible.  It will be more relaxed and not as formal as our upstairs main family room is.  The basement room has wood paneling all around that we are painting yellow gold with red accents but possibly purple (Brian is not a fan of the purple idea so likely yellow gold it will be).  I love the look of painted paneling so I am excited to actually have it all paneled already, creates sweet depth and texture to a room but right now it is just too dark!  Once that is all painted we have plans to rearrange our furniture and hang our Thomas Kinkade Disney wrapped canvas prints we bought on our honeymoon throughout the room.  What's better than a Disney room?!?!  We are teetering between getting a projector and screen or just a large television right now.  We shall see what we decide to go with, but for now we are weighing the pluses and minuses of each and are really unsure. 

Since I haven't done any real remodeling around the house since my last remodel marathon, I am really getting the itch to start another project.  This weekend since for once we will be home, we have plans to clean and arrange the garage.  In the mean time I am starting to plan out remodeling our kitchen, half bath, and full bath.  Can you tell I am itching for projects?!?!  I know the half bath would be a simple remodel.  I plan to paint the vanity already in there to save on money plus what I want you can't find for sale at the store in stock.  We will buy a new vanity top as ours is no doubt from 1957 when our home was originally built and is plain gross!  We have awesome toilets in both bathrooms that when flushed you feel like you will be sucked down, supposedly they can't be clogged and so far living here for over a year and half that has been true!  So with nice toilets we won't be undertaking any large purchase for new ones wahoo!  I am thinking of going with a gray and yellow color combo in the half bath and being that it is small and will just be taking down more wallpaper and just paint I may stay that soon.

For one reason or another I have had this peacock theme going through my mind for our full bath.  Peacocks?!?  Yes peacocks!  I just love the bright green and electric blue.  Not sure which color I would go with for the wall yet, but leaning towards the electric blue coloring.  If you're wondering what Brian wants...well he really doesn't care.  Home design and such is not his thing, he just likes doing the painting and work....honestly he loves doing the actual work!  I am looking to get a print or something of a peacock like the one above for the room to tie it all in.  I wanted to take a picture myself and blow it up for the wall but last time I checked I don't know any peacocks or anyone that has one!  We are going to change the fixtures in the shower/tub but are keeping the shower/tub as it's in great condition still.  Our vanity and vanity top both are nice and will be staying as is.  Keeping super budget friendly!  I may or may not stain the vanity darker, but that's yet to be determined.  The sink fixture will change to match the new shower/tub fixtures as they are outdated.  I think we will tackle the half bath first as it will be an easier change than our full bath.  After both are done and the basement is finished we will move onto the kitchen.  I'm currently thinking of going orange....yes a very bold change!  Right now it is wallpaper and so outdated.  Maybe not so outdated but it's beige with a repetitive flower print and we all know beige is just so boring!  I think a Clementine orange color (not so bold but rather a bright orange) would look great.  We don't have a budget for replacing our counters or counter tops but bringing in color will definitely update it and brighten it right up!  We may even put up a backsplash.  We have chair paneling that again I love which will be white as well as all trimming to make it clean and crisp.  Who wouldn't love an orange kitchen?!?!  Plus it will go great with my brand new orange KitchenAid mixer, how could we go wrong?!?!

Holy Buttons!

I am known for just randomly looking at different things and picking up inspiration.  Inspiration can come from anything and everything.  For me, when I'm inspired, it is almost scary as I always have "A great idea!"  My newest inspiration that got my wheels turning was no other than buttons!  Yes those simple circle pieces of usually plastic with a few holes in. I have seen buttons used for a bazillion of things from jewelry to lampshades to accessorizing clothes and bags.  I stumbled upon buttons on canvas....and I'm hooked!  It was love at first sight when I saw this Exhibit A:

So darn cute!  I have a little thing for elephants so it comes with no surprise that

combining elephants and buttons is heavenly to me!

What's cuter than one elephant?!?! Of course two!!!!

 

What's even cuter than two elephants?!?! A mommy and baby elephant!  I'm in love!!!!!!

Oh the endless possibilities of button elephants......

 

If you're a semi normal person, unlike me, and aren't too in love with button elephants maybe some of these wonderful button on canvas creations will be more of your cup of tea

4 Seasons

 

Right in time for some Halloween....love the broken buttons used! 

Simple yet love this!

Extreme button portrait

Psychedelic button tree

Simple and elegant

Is it just me or do owls always look pissed off?!?!

Another psychedelic button tree

For the button loving man

How could this not make you smile?!?!

Love these!

Love this though it has no buttons, but cut out paper bringing a 3-dimensional

 look like buttons do.  You can see my wheels turning on what other than buttons

can be used on canvas to create a similar feel.

 

SO WHAT HAS INSPIRED YOU TODAY?