One picture. So simple. Not glamorous by the least bit. Nothing flashy. Not really captivating. Not the best angle. Completely oblivious to it being taken. So boring. Yet so powerful.
So why is this photo so powerful to me? What makes it so special? Why am I reposting it? We all have pictures that were taken at some point of us in front of our birthday cakes, so why is this one so important? To me this is the reality of how each year can make a total difference. It reminds me of the power of prayer and tenacity. The power of hoping and pushing forward to overcome obstacles.
Two years ago I stood before my Christmas birthday cake. At the time we had just found out I was diagnosed with PCOS after a battery of tests and several months of trying to start our family to no avail. We knew right before Christmas that we would need assistance to get pregnant and we were sure it was a simple fix. I stood before that birthday cake with its candles glowing and in my heart made my secret wish that by next year when I stand before that cake that I would be holding a little one in my arms. Little did we know what the next year ahead of us would entail.
One year ago I once again stood before that birthday cake Christmas evening. One extra candle was added and glowed brightly as I stood there with empty arms and a just as empty heart. April 24th of that year brought excitement as we got two pink lines for the first time. We were naive and jumping for joy thinking we beat this beast of infertility. Excitement was high as our little one would be due around Christmas. This was the miracle I had wished for before I blew out those candles the year prior. If I wasn't holding our little one in my arms by this Christmas, I would surely be carrying them nearing the end of pregnancy but the beginning of a family. After weeks of ups and downs, at the end of May, we found out our joy had been extinguished in a matter of a moment at an ultrasound that lacked a heartbeat. Surgery was necessary right after, recovery happened, bitter tears fell, anger seeped in, my world felt like it was caving in, just like that hope began to be renewed, ultrasounds followed to start up fertility treatments again, then in September back to a dark place I went as I found out I needed yet another surgery and couldn't proceed with another cycle round. Recovery was tough, the emotional part was just as hard as the physical part the second time around. I felt so hopeless as if it was yet another miscarriage all over again. I found myself back in that dark place, a place I never thought I would be able to crawl out of. We were able to start a fertility cycle the end of November that ran into December and with it brought some relief and determination. There was a teeny bit of hope that before Christmas we would get those two pink lines. Those lines never came. My heart was battered and torn but I stood before those candles again and secretly wished with all of my being that next year I would fill these empty arms or at least be able to wrap these arms around a growing baby belly.
This year I stood before that birthday cake with more than I ever could imagine. Instead of an added candle there was just one candle that stood tall and flickered brightly. I stood there with my arms wrapped around a baby girl who I may not have carried within me, but I had carried for so long in my heart and love her all the same. I stood there as a little guy laid passed out on the couch exhausted from the days holiday thrills spent with us for the first time. I stood there triumphantly with a little boy growing inside of me just as the excitement for his arrival in the coming months is growing. When I stood before that birthday cake and those twinkling candles a year and two years ago, little did I know that this third year I would have a triple answer to my secret wishes and prayers.
This unattractive, boring, unpretentious photo represents so much more to me. I was oblivious to it being taken, but it captures naturally so much. As I went through my pictures from Christmas day, I was pleasantly surprised to come across this one and immediately reflected on how powerful and what it represents to me. I can honestly say, in that moment, I smiled back the happy tears that were forming in my eyes. I was completely aware of how blessed I am in that very moment and how wishes and prayers do come true. It is amazing the difference a year and two years can make. I stood there before that candle and for the first time in two years, secretly had to wish for something different, something new, and that folks is powerful!
No comments:
Post a Comment