Choose Your Boyfriend/Husband Wisely

At this stage in our lives on the verge of turning 25, a handful of our friends are married while some are in serious relationships and others are out and about dancing in the dating field.  I am confronted every day by the men that surround my girlfriends and sisters for the better or for the worse.  I am not posting this for one specific individual or another but feel that it's crucially important for my friends and sisters to open their eyes to the men they are letting into their lives.  None of us are in high school any more and none of us should be "dating for fun".  I know even those that say they are truly are only saying that to guard their hearts when all they do really want is commitment.  I am not saying go out and meet any man and marry him or that everyone needs to be married before 25, what I am saying is it is time each of us opens our eyes and looks for a long-term commitment.  Dating is no longer about the highs and lows of a dysfunctional relationship.  It's not about dating random strangers, the pursuit of premarital intimacy, or the emotional rush of each new relationship.  What it's about is looking for a mate with an end in mind.  Just because a guy finally gives you attention everything else does not have to go out the window.  There are crucial traits that make a man a good husband that every woman should be looking for.  Forget the lust of simply a good date and look for a man that will likely end with a "happily ever after" instead of just heartbreak. 

In no certain order I am putting out there examples of what every woman should look for in a boyfriend which may lead to a wonderful husband.  Saying you love him is not enough for a successful relationship because those fluttering lovey moments don't last when hard times come.  I am not saying I know it all or that any man (let alone woman!) is perfect.  We are all flawed and sin.  I am not saying a man won't stumble from time to time, but it is important that he embodies these characteristics and has his feet firmly on the ground.  I looked for each and every one of these traits in my husband while we were dating and can honestly say after two years of marriage (6 years since beginning to date) if it wasn't for the great groundwork my husband embodies married life would not be so successful.  We definitely have our moments we are not proud of however we have built our marriage on strong principles and know that whatever trouble comes our way we will appropriately deal with it and end up stronger in the end.  This list does not include what we as girlfriends and potential wives should embody but that is its own post.

1. Look at his family - How does he treat his mother?  Well guess what more than likely its been proven he will treat you the exact same way!  Were his parents married or divorced?  Guess what, its been proven that their marriage will flourish or break off just like whatever their parents marriage has done.  Not saying you cannot break the cycle however if he was not surrounded by health relationship examples then he more than likely does not know how to be in a healthy relationship.  Look for a man that grew up around a successful marriage and right there will already give you great relationship foundation.

2. Actions match his words - He's not all talk no action.  If he says he will do something then you can depend on him not to come up with excuses and back out last minute.  A rebellious guy may catch your eye at first but they will not lead themselves or you well.  He has to be willing to listen to others, change his point of view, and admit he is not always right.  A man who puts up a tough exterior generally is a broken person inside putting up the hard front to hide behind.  You should not need to have a pickaxe to get to the true person they are. 

3. Willing to listen and communicate - He has to be able to listen to you.  No interject or make you feel like you can never talk to him.  He also has to be able to openly communicate his thoughts and needs to you.  Neither of us can read each others minds so an open line of communication is crucial for a healthy relationship.  If you have to pull his teeth to get answers or how he feels then unless your a dentist forget it!  If he's not willing to listen to your needs and respond or communicate with you his needs then that's a major red flag for problems to come down the road.

4. Has a steady career and education - It's important that he has a stable career and shows he's committed to his work.  He needs a career not just another loosey goosey job.  Jobless at our age is not something you want.  You need a man that has an 8am-5pm job or something similar Mon-Fri like all other men providing for their families.  He needs an education because otherwise he will restricted to the potential of job growth.  Without an education his job options will be limited and what he's doing now is all he will ever be able to do, there is nowhere to work up these days.  The average college graduate today will make far more over the course of their life than the average high school graduate who does not attend college.  Yes college has upfront costs, but it far far outweighs the long term investment that it is.  There is also a manner in which an educated man is taught to carry himself.  He does not use vulgar language or drop f-bombs every other word as if it is an adjective for everything.  He conducts himself with integrity and knows f-bombs are for uneducated individuals that do not have a repertoire of other word usage options.

5. Wants to marry you not cohabitate with you - Cohabitation, basically commitment with an escape route, is on the rise.  Women crave commitment to feel safe, secure, and wanted and cohabitation allows men to give a false sense of those things, without a concrete commitment.  Why put a ring on your finger if they can pretend to live a married life but be able to leave easily if they want?   Look for a man that is looking for the future to put a ring on your finger before he's asking for you to be his buddy roommate.

6. Confident and emotionally stable - You do not need a man that is insecure and needy.  Woman have enough insecurities to have to then deal with a mans.  You need a man you can lean on for support.  Being confident does not mean cocky, but sure of himself. 

7. Always supports you no matter how crazy your ideas are - As simple as it states.  He needs to be supportive of you and your goals.  If he is always pulling you down or saying you can't do something then guess what, that relationship won't go anywhere.  If you are always emotionally drained because of him then ditch him.  He needs to support and boost you and make you a better person.

8. Willing to become apart of your family and gets along with them - You marry your husband family is no farther from the truth.  Make it easy on yourself, find a man that your family accepts and be accepted by his family.  If he is casted off as the black sheep in your family then forget it, in-laws create too many problems in a marriage and is one of the main reasons for divorces.  Make it easy on yourself, find someone that meshes well with your parents and has a great relationship with his own family. 

9. Has driven goals - If you ask any man what they want to do their lives or where they want to be in 5 years you should get a simple answer.  A man that is living by his boot strings and does not know what he wants only means he will not know what he wants in your relationship either.  You need a man that not only has goals but is also motivated to work towards them.  Again we are not in high school any more trying to find ourselves and our calling, we should know what we want and be making progress towards it.  If he has a goal you should be able to see steps he's taking to get there.  Does he want a house?  Is he saving for it?  Does he want a career in auto mechanics?  Well is he in school or work towards getting certified for it?  You should be able to see concrete steps he is taking to work towards his goals because let me tell you, if he's not taking concrete steps for himself he won't be taking concrete steps and having driven goals with you either. 

10. Similar values and outlook on life - If this is someone you never could have seen yourself with because he is polar opposite then be aware opposites may attract at first but long term having nothing in common will pull you apart.  You need a man who has similar values and an outlook on life.  Does not mean you have to agree on absolutely everything, but if you generally are not in agreeance with one another's values that you are going to have a tough road to travel as you will never agree and always be at odds with each other. 

11. Gentle, Unconditional, and affectionate - He needs to be able to control his strength and balance it with grace.  Never should he raise his voice or arm to you.  He needs to love you unconditionally and treasure you for the person you are.  You should be put before everything, before his friends, before his extracurriculars, before his work.  He needs to be gentle and understanding and also affectionate to you.  I'm not talking about lust, I'm talking about physical attraction and physical comfort be it holding your hand, rubbing your shoulders, putting his arm around you, or cuddling with you on the couch without intentions of it leading to more.  If he only does this to you when he wants something more than all you are to him is a piece of meat.  He needs to provide security and warmth and comfort to you.  He needs to be selfless and kind not only to you but to others around you.  No one likes a mean person and it's important that others, such are friends and family, like him. 

12. Can say I'm sorry and fight fairly - If he never admits he's wrong and says I'm sorry then here is your red flag and please exit stage left as fast as possible.  If he is not able to fight fairly and communicate then things are not going to change down the road.  If he shuts down and tells you to go away then run as fast as you can.  You can't pull him out of his shell and he obviously lacks the ability to communicate and let down his ego and admit he is in the wrong.  Marriage takes a lot of giving and taking, to be honest it is a lot of giving on both sides.  If he can't give and is only taking then that is not a healthy balanced relationship. 

13. Responsible and committed - He needs to take responsibility for his mistakes and not blame others.  If he is always saying the world is out to get him then things will never change.  If he is always the victim feeling victimized then he will be the victim in your relationship.  When life throws punches and knocks you to the ground you have to be able to get back up.  If he is stuck on his bum having a hissy fit that life isn't fair then leave him right there and move on.  He also has to be able to commit to honesty, to his relationships with friends and family, to his job, and to his word. Being committed to you and honest is of the utmost importance.  Betrayal suffocates relationships as do hiding things be the past or current.  Being an open book allows for honesty to always be at the forefront.  He has to be responsible with his commitment and dedicated to you as well as others.

14.  Sense of humor - If there was ever a trait needed in a spouse a sense of humor is one of them.  If you can't laugh with them as your best friend then chances are you won't make it.  All the lovey dovey stuff wears off over time and does spark up but every day life is not always sparks flying 24/7....especially when he forgets to pay the electric bill and you find yourself in the pitch black dark!  You have to be with your best friend and able to laugh off the little things.  You don't need a class clown, but someone who knows when to smile and fill your heart up with joy.  He needs to notice and not take for granted the little things.  Being able to enjoy his company and he has to be able to let down his guard and not take himself so seriously. 

15. Believe in something beyond himself - It's important that he believe in something greater than himself be it God or the universe.  If he doesn't men tend to be arrogant and the world revolves around him.  Living for something more and having a moral compass of some sort is crucially important.  It goes back to having values and a good outlook on life.  He isn't just thinking of today or himself but of eternity and living a good life.  This will make him more able to make and keep a commitment if morally he believes marriage is a forever thing vs. someone who has no moral compass and is only thinking with emotions and what they want in this moment. 

16. Willing to adapt and grow together - He has to be willing to adapt and grow with you as you two won't be the same person several years down the road.  You need to be able to grow together because if you don't you will find yourselves growing apart.  If he is not able to adapt to new changes, new friends, new family, new lifestyle now then he will never be willing to adapt for your relationship.  As we all grow older we change and we would hope for the better but if you are both or just one of you not willing to let go of what was and grow into what will be then one or both of you will be stuck in the past.  Adapting and growing nurtures relationships and keeps them strong.  It is a tender balance but marriage is about merging and growing as one.  It's like a row boat if only one person is rowing then the row boat will keep going in an endless circle, if both learn to row together you move forward to your destination.