Waiting for answers. Waiting for discernment. Waiting for perfect timing. Waiting on someone else. Waiting for test results. Waiting for a husband/wife. Waiting for a job. Waiting for a breakthrough. Waiting for children. Waiting for a clear path. Waiting for closing on a house. Waiting for money. Waiting for a degree. Waiting for a cure. Waiting for a license. Waiting for a call.
It seems in life we are always waiting for one thing or another. Grab your number and take a seat. I find that often we have a lot of wishbone but not much backbone to wait! We can wish and pray for this that or whatever yet the backbone to wait is just not there. We cave after a while and throw in our hats and give up saying it's not worth the wait as we abandon ship. We all are waiting for one thing or another. Some answers or timing will never come and to that we have to learn to be content. We also have to be aware that our situation can change suddenly and quickly without warning! No waiting is wasted as I have found in many cases this waiting period actually serves as a time of preparation for the answer. This times allows us to realize how much we want something and how hard we are willing to fight for it and allows us to begin planning. I wonder at times that if God answered right away, would many of us not be prepared to handle His solution? Perhaps He knows we are not ready against our better judgment's and He is preparing our hearts and mind to deal with the solution in perfect timing. Often times as we hit disappointments, they knock us off our feet harder and harder each time. We feel despair and lose sight of hope that things will work out. It is during this time of waiting that we feel isolated and lonely. Life seems stuck in this one place, it is simply stalled.
We recently received news that we will not be certified as a foster home the first weekend of May as we had previously been told. The one thing we felt most certain about, that the dates were set in stone, that this was a sure thing we would complete the last class then just wait (yes more waiting but at least feel progress) for the call to come in for a placement. May 4th was to be the day and with being less than 2 weeks away we are told to erase that plan and to continue to wait. So we rushed, rushed, rushed and finished everything to meet the deadline and now there is no deadline and we are left disappointed again as there is no next class date scheduled. We were told maybe end of May or mid summer or maybe fall....our social worker told me, "Welcome to the foster care system, nothing ever goes as planned or scheduled. Get used to it!" Ummmm thanks, let me take a ticket to wait for yet another thing in my life. Knowing that if we had more in the bank account we would be adventuring down another route too but for now that must also wait.
When it comes to infertility, it is all about waiting. When you decide it’s time to have a family, you wait several months of “trying” before you speak to your doctor, who may advise you to wait a few more months before consulting a fertility specialist. Eventually, you will be referred to a fertility doctor or you're like me and after seeing your doctor you take it upon yourself to find your own reproductive endocrinologist. The wait to get in to see them takes months. The doctor will likely order all manner of tests, and you wait for the appointments. Then wait for the results. Then wait for a consultation with the doctor again to discuss the results which you have to wait 6 weeks for their next appointment to go in just to be told the course of action options. You will likely then be directed either to further testing, surgery, and/or treatment. For which you wait. In order to start treatment, you eagerly wait for your period, which can feel very strange after so long hoping NOT to get it! Then you wait each day to take your magic pills or to give yourself an injectable shot. During this time you go every few days for ultrasounds to monitor progress, well usually no progress so you go home and cry and return 2 days later with renewed hope for another ultrasound to see again no progress so go home and cry and repeat for 3 full weeks straight. Then you usually don't get to even "try" as it is a failed cycle. If you're lucky and things line up you do get to "try" then you anxiously wait for the pregnancy test. You wait those two weeks. If the news is bad, you wait for another chance to try all over again. Often times the doctor wants you to come back in for an office appointment so you take their next opening which is 6 weeks away, lucky you. If it is positive you wait for blood work results to see if things are progressing. Then you wait for your first ultrasound to make sure there is a heartbeat which normally there isn't and they tell you it's early and normally you don't. So you wait once again for your next ultrasound praying and hoping a heartbeat will be seen this time.
It is perpetual waiting. So many high's and low's and a lot of drugs in your body that wreck havoc on your hormones. You turn into a crazy person who goes from enthusiastic cheerleader jumping up and down celebrating to terribly depressed crying insane person all within 5 minutes. I now have knowledge of split personality disorders, you feel like two people all at once both on the verge of busting out but quickly the other stealing the limelight. Brian and I keep ourselves busy during all of this waiting and we enjoy our lazy Saturday mornings and going out on dates without needing to line up a babysitter. We try to not think about tomorrow and live in each current moment and not take our time together for granted. It comes to a point though that you are just sick of waiting. You are sick of hearing everyone say to be patient that it will happen in time. You are sick of taking a number and just sitting out while it seems everyone around you is celebrating positive changes in their lives. You are sick of seeing on Facebook yet another pregnancy announcement though you are truly happy for them it still stabs your already open wound of envy, you are sick of seeing pregnant teenagers everywhere, you are sick of hearing of yet another child murdered at the hands of their parent or a mothers boyfriend, you are just sick of it all but just can't escape it. Here I am just enjoying my underachieving ovaries and trying to pretend to be patient with a screwed up foster care system. Nothing can ever go right and you just can't catch a break. It quickly becomes one full fledged frustrated pity party for one!
"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings as eagles. They In many cases this waiting period actually serves as a time of preparation for the answer. If God answered right away, many of us would be ill-prepared to handle His solution. Will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:31
We are promised that we will find new strength but also that we may be ill-prepared. We are not to grow weary but bask in the promise that there is a plan for each one of our lives. Often times this is harder lived out than said. Specifically the past year and a half I have felt my life has been stalled in this standstill spot. Months are flying by but the days are slow and endless. It makes no sense yet full sense all at once to anyone who has ever had to wait an extended period of time. While we are waiting we will continue to keep our faith, serve others, and worship Him as we take each step in divine obedience. We must wait and trust that His plan is what is best and know that when our time does come, all the waiting will seem so distant and our sincere pure joy will be ever so tangible....because our time is coming.
John Waller - While I'm Waiting
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