Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
After each morning scripture I like to ponder a little. Some leads to longer pondering than others and others get a millisecond of thought before I start my day. Today I laid in bed really pondering what these simple words are saying. I noticed that in many ways my relationship with God is childish at times. I tend to lean towards my own understanding instead of just trusting the Lord. In a way as I pray I do always make sure I thank Him for the many blessings in my life, but then it quickly fades into a series of bartering. I am oh so guilty of trying to reason everything out myself and trying to strike up deals with God. Deals like, "Please let my Uncle George stay here on earth with us for a few more years, he is so loved and needed here." When we learned Brian's dad was going to pass away suddenly and we were driving down towards Pittsburgh so Brian could say goodbye I remember specifically praying "God please don't take Brian's dad, please spare him. Brian needs him, his other son needs him, his wife needs him. Who will encourage Brian when he wants to pop the question or help Brian get dressed when we get married or help him as he grows more into a man? Who will be the paternal grandfather to our children? I've only known him for a year please let us have more time to create memories so I have more to share with my children about him." Or, "I did this, this, this, that in Your name with my earthly talents without getting anything in return so can you please now magically provide for the blah blah blah we owe so we don't have to squeeze our bank account?". Or near the end of college it looked like this, "Ok God, here we are getting married in a few months, Brian graduated a term early and is looking for work now. I promise that if you provide a job for him I will continue to believe in You and follow You." Yes I did barter for my husband to find a job and threw my whole faith on the line (though I don't think I was honest about leaving my faith but He knows that).
"Well God, I believe in you and am trying to follow what I think is your plan, so hopefully you will make it turn out how we want it to." Another common barter I tend to take up saying since I believe in Him and I think I'm doing what's right, He must surely make it turn out how "We" or "I" want it to. Just like a child bartering for a few minutes extra before bedtime, a piece of candy if they eat their vegetables, or a barter for that new shiny toy everyone has. Or most recently, "We agree to open our doors to both biological and foster/adoptive children, so surely, you will honor that and make both those things happen soon please because you want us to multiple right?!?!" I make these barters knowing that is not how life works. I know only God has the answers and that my finite mind will never figure them out. I know that no amount of bartering will bring my desirable circumstances and that my own understanding will not give me answers....yet I still find myself bartering when I pray.
So as I was pondering, I started to wonder if He already has a plan is it even necessary for me to even pray? Why should I pray if the decisions have already been made? He knows the numbers of hairs on my head and I know He has great plans for us, so should I even continue to pray each night and throughout the day for my own selfishly wanted outcomes in life? Will those prayers change His mind? I know after being on Mt. Sinai and receiving the Ten Commandments, Moses came down to find that the people had fallen into sin. God told Moses that He was going to destroy the nation and Moses began to plead with God about extending mercy upon the people. In Exodus 32:14 it states, "And the Lord changed his mind about the disaster that He planned to bring on His people." So surely that means Moses' intercessions and prayers to God made Him show mercy right? Or did God know all along that he was not going to destroy the people because after all, He knows all right? I am sure there are many other pieces of scripture that individuals called upon God to interceded on behalf of them, but the Moses one is the only one that comes to mind at this time and the one I remembered was somewhere in Exodus (thank you google for locating it specifically!).
So do I keep praying like I have in the past for intercession or is it useless? Then I am brought to the question if my prayers are any better than yours or others? Here I am praying for whatever currently I feel my life needs while others are out there praying for far more important things. Why should He answer my prayers if others have more worthy prayers? We are also taught to pray to the Saints who are closer to God, therefore, can relay the message of our requests faster right? Should I start picking out specific Saints and praying to them more than I pray to Him? I'd lie if I didn't admit I already do this and decided to try this route out about a year ago. Yes I have these thought patterns in my head as if I can trick God into giving me what I want. Yup. just like a child who doesn't get the answer they want from the one parent (God) they will just go to the other parent (Saints) asking and hoping for the answer they want. In high school after going to Honduras I would pray to St. Jerome Emiliani who is the patron saint of orphans to watch over and love on the orphan children I met every night and still do to this day. My sister-in-law sent me a wonderful link recently about St. Jermoe being the patron saint of orphans and foster care and I learned that St. Joseph of Nazareth is the true patron saint of foster parents and also happens to be Jesus' adopted father (God was Jesus' father remember) and have since prayed to Joseph each night to watch over us and the children that will grace our home. St. Rita came to light to me only a week or so ago when a friend passed on to me that she was the patron saint of infertility so I added her to my list of saints to pray to daily.
I have studied indepth and currently pray to several specific Saints. Not only do I pray but I have a necklace medallion I wear of St. Gerard Majella who is the patron saint of motherhood. I prayed to him from when we started to try to conceive on our home, through the time we found out we were dealt the hand of infertility, all through our miscarriage, and still even now. I remember desperately holding onto my medallion when I just knew I was miscarrying just praying to St. Gerard Majella to please not let it be so. I turned to St. Jude of lost causes that he would somehow find a way to stop this from being a lost cause and to make the impossible be possible. I hit up St. Anne who was the mother of Mary and grandmother of Jesus who was childless until she had Mary in hopes she would understand the feeling of being childless and yearning for a child to hold that she would intervene. I prayed to Mary herself being the churches mother that she must have a way to keep my pregnancy. I remember being desperate praying to anyone or anything that came to mind in hopes of changing the inevitable outcome. Obviously I went on to miscarry and I remember after feeling so abandoned by God and his saints. I felt foolish ever praying to them because they wronged me and I felt they didn't do anything to help me when I needed them all the most. I had always been taught to pray and that prayer can change things yet here I was praying fiercely all along for something then got my something and continued to pray to only have it taken away 10 weeks later.
What I have learned during this exhausting season of my life is that His will takes precedence. Perhaps had that pregnancy continued unforeseen consequences could have happened and would not have been the best for us. Perhaps He knew something we did not and still do not know. Perhaps He was there and so were all those Saints I called upon wrapping their arms around us without being able to tell us on this side of heaven that this is what is best for us. Every puddle of tears may not have gone unnoticed. I have learned that I have to be ok with the unknown. I have to be ok when He doesn't answer us with what we want to hear but rather take it as a challenge to let His will take over our life and see it through. When He presents an obstacle be it job security, housing, infertility, finances, family and friend relationships, or anything else that His will takes precedence and He has a plan for our lives. I need to know that we are walking the journey (whatever it is) that He has for us right now and I have to learn to throw my hands up in the air on this life's roller coaster trusting the Lord will guide where this crazy winding track is going. In the meantime, we have to enjoy the ride and keep our eyes on where He takes us instead of looking down and missing the beautiful ride. I am trying now to change prayer tactics and instead of asking for specific outcomes and bartering, I am changing those prayers requests to "Let Your will be done" for in the end it is His will that will be done and we have to keep open minds and hearts to what He will bring otherwise we may very well miss it.
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