In March of last year Brian and I were in scrub pants rolled up to our knee's and tee shirts all sweaty yet loving on the children at the orphanage in Honduras. It was an awesome experience to share first hand with Brian the children and country that has captured my heart. As soon as we landed and were heading on the long drive in the bus to the orphanage I knew my husbands heart was captured too by the sights and culture. Entering the gates of the orphanage waiting for us (as they always do) were the hundreds of orphan children and quickly I spotted and pointed out to Brian all the kids I knew. It had been 4 years since my feet had been in Honduras, yet it was almost like time stood still. I knew at least 50 children who had grown some yet still were the same sweet lovable children I had loved on before. Almost as surprising, many of them remembered me and flocked to say hello and give hugs.
There is something said about mission trips being able to become addicting. I know that feeling oh so well. There is just something about Honduras that every time I have been there I have felt more alive and in His presence. This overwhelming feeling that your soul and body is exactly where it is meant to be and you just never want to leave. While you are there to serve, selfishly you are getting way more in return. All the hugs, laughs, tears, silly dancing, the "I love you's", seeing so much pure tangible joy in a place filled with sad stories and uncertain futures, the beautiful mountains and people have this way of just making me feel so complete and whole. Never in my life have I ever felt more at peace than when I am in Honduras. Even as the days go by not once have I ever gotten homesick and upon returning back to the U.S. I know a piece of my heart has been left there and I yearn to go again.
That is where I am now. With so much going on here at home; infertility treatments (well on hold as of right now until our appointment in April), getting licensed for foster care/adoption, building a room in our basement/remodeling the main area of the basement, spending weekends at the land working on the cabin, scheduling weekends and weekdays to visit with good friends, carving time out to see Brian's mom and brother, Brian working Monday-Friday and soon back to his usual weekly traveling, keeping the house clean and organized and laundry done, booking flights for an upcoming summer wedding, planning camping trips for this summer, amongst many other things our time and funds are being allocated in all different directions yet I feel this firm tug to go back to Honduras.
I know of two different trips coming up going to the orphanage and boys farm, one through the normal program I go with that runs in the mid-summer and then another that is going in the beginning of June that I am welcomed to go on with a different program. I know by then we very likely could have a foster child(ren) placement. I know we will be busy with summer happenings and there is always just something going on, yet in a way I need to go back. The funds aren't there for Brian and I to go. We would need to fundraise like crazy but last time fundraising was not as successful as we would have liked. My parents were very generous and a handful of others donated but we ended up having to scrape up most of the funds to the point of not even being sure if we could. We know without fundraising I nor both of us could not go back right now.
This is during a time when we are trying to save, save, save. We want to pay off Brian's student loans, pay off our mortgage, get a new vehicle in the near future, finish the many projects around the house we keep coming up with, yet my heart is in Honduras and I feel the urgent need to return and refill my heart. This year has been filled with a lot of disappointment and sorrow. It was actually in Honduras last year when I was on chlomid the infertility drugs and possibly either during the last few days there or right upon our arrival home we conceived on the low dose. Perhaps some Honduran magic was in play however that pregnancy was not meant to be. Since then I have endured two surgeries and have gone through the ringer. A lot of waiting and unanswered questions and disappointment and frustration was all we had. We started the 2013 year off with starting our fostering/adoption classes and stepping it up to injectibles for infertility treatment. So much has happened in a year along with renovating most of our house making it into our home. A year later and with a million things still twirling in our minds my heart and mind seems so certain that we are meant to go back. We are meant to meet up with those kids I have loved on there and from afar for the past 6 years. Maybe it is something in the bottled water we drink there, but there is no other place I feel more fulfilled or happy. It is in its own like a vacation for my heart and soul and a place I totally relax and refill my heart at though we are doing physically hard working construction projects most of the day and the rest of our time spent running after little ones. To me it is true reality, the reality that does not exist in our fast paced life that is all about self wealth and prosperity. There in our scrubs and crocs it is not about us or what we have accumulated at home, it is about who we truly are inside and sharing the love we have to offer with those who otherwise go unloved. I find Him present in everything and everyone there and feel so wrapped in His love. Not that I don't feel that way at home, but when in Honduras it is so tangible and unmistakable.
So are we going back? Well at this point I have no idea. I honestly have no idea what next week will bring. If we would win the lottery or even a pricey scratch off ticket surely I would be jumping up and down in excitement and we would have our tickets booked....of course you have to buy and play those things to win which may be a problem since I've never bought a single scratch off or lottery ticket in my life! So for now I hold on to those sweet goodbyes, like the picture above of Heidy with her hand through the window holding our hands for the last few seconds before the bus drove away with us in tote. I hold onto the memories and memento's such as the kids pictures they drew for us and the cards we received from them. I pray and hope we will return soon because I know my heart needs to return.
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