Attachment Plan

"Love, and the lack of it, change the young brain forever ... A baby’s ability to keep parents beside him has evolved not to serve whim but limbic necessity.  Eons of experience direct his brain to hold open the emotional channel that stabilizes his physiology and shapes his developing mind."

~Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini & Richard Lannon, A General Theory of Love

As anything in my life, whenever I am about to embark on something, I do my studying.  Choosing a high school and college, picking a major, buying a house, planning a wedding, planning a trip, looking for ways to be more frugal, gardening, home repairs, dealing with infertility and the different courses of action, buying an object, etc. I have always been one to study up before making an informed decision  I read books, look up studies, read articles, navigate pinterest and google searches, find and listen to professionals, and look for people with personal experience generally via blogs.  So as we intend on embarking on this foster care journey I have been diving into learning as much as I can so we can be as prepared as possible for the children that walk or are carried through our door.  While much of what we will learn will come from us looking like deer in headlights experiences, there seems to be many common links with the need for these at-risk children to form healthy attachments.

Building trust and in turn attachment is our number one priority.  A mother who carries her child for 9 months has had those months to prepare and attach to their baby inside them.  A baby is born knowing their mother and in most cases a strong instant bond is formed between mother and child not at the moment of birth, but before.  A child hears their mothers muffled voice while a mother feels the kicks of her baby and "see's" them via ultrasound.  A typical child who has been raised by their birth mother generally have strong attachments formed.  That child's ability to trust and attach has never been threatened or severed.  In the case of the children through the foster care system that will be walking or being carried through our front door unfortunately do not have that same experience.  Yes we know they will be attached to their birth family, but they will not be attached to us.  We start from the ground and have to build up the framework.  We have to carefully and intentionally build their trust in us which will we hope eventually turn into authentic attachment.  Obviously the more time we have with the child, the more time we have to build their trust and bond with them. 

When we get our first placement, be it one or two children, it is important that everyone know that it is vitally important that Brian and I be the only ones to hold and meet their needs.  We know everyone is going to be well meaning and especially if we have a teeny tiny one will want to grab them up and smother them with kisses however that time will come but not right away.  This child(ren) is being ripped from their environment (womb or home) and placed in a brand new foreign environment.  We have different smells, different faces, different voices, and do things much differently than they will be use to.  Likely the very person every child should be able to trust, their birth parent(s) were deemed not trustworthy hence why they are coming into care.  This child(ren) will be grieving (even newborns straight from the hospital but not to the same extent) and it is important for their health and a strong family attachment that Brian and I be the ones to comfort and care for them.  Do not be surprised if the first couple of days or weeks we may need to buckle down and stay home to start off the bonding process without any outside influences and have them use to their new routine.  We will be doing this nurturing through many ways such as by babywearing, emphasizing eye contact and physical touch, rocking in our rocking chair, kisses, fussing over them, and consistently meeting all their needs and most wants.  We want them to become comfortable enough to come to us for touch, comfort, and food as well as have healthy age appropriate stranger danger which are the best signs!

I'll be totally honest and upfront and say we know this sucks!  We will want nothing more than to "show off" our newest addition(s) however we know this child needs us to build the framework from day one with them.  They will need to learn that we are substitute (or permanent) mom and dad and to form possibly the first healthy bond they ever have had in their short lives.  We are going to be the only ones who will hold, carry and cuddle, change diapers/take them to the potty, babywear, prepare and offer drinks and food, tuck them in at night, pick them up when they get a boo-boo, feeding not only a baby but even a toddler their bottle with up close skin-to-skin contact so they can hear and feel our heartbeat as we fully focus on them with eye contact (trying to mimic what breastfeeding allows for bonding), possibly co-sleeping depending on their age (before I get hate mail don't get your panties in a bunch, we will do so with a co-sleeping bed of their own attached to the side of ours...no we won't be putting a tiny one in our actual bed), help with homework, restricting hours away from the child(ren) so pretty much do absolutely everything.....yes we will need to be a two-person show....and even a one-woman show when Brian is at work!  This is especially important, if not more, for a child we take in that is not a brand new newborn.  This may look like we are "babying" them and we are in essence regressing them but we know the progress from doing so will be to their and our benefit once we have a secure relationship.  The great news is since the child(ren) will not be in day care as I am a homemaker, the bonding process will exponentially be faster as I will be there from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed nurturing them. Their will be little to no distractions or disruption to our bonding allowing for quicker attachment and being able to open up who they can then attach to faster.

We know it takes a village to raise a child so we ask our village to patiently wait and contain it all up because once we see the child(ren) have firmly attached, those boundaries will come down and you will be able to share all the love stored up on them!  How long will it take?  That will depend on each and every child.  Their background, personality, and many other factors will play into how quickly or slowly they will be able to trust us to care for them both emotionally and physically.  Newborns are primed to attach as though they had been born to us as we would need to care for every need of theirs and we are the only ones they will have known for an extended period of time, however we are open to children up to the age of 8 so this attachment process will look different depending on the child's age.  We will be sure to let everyone know where we are at.  We need to make sure the child(ren) are not overwhelmed and are stable with us. Yes we are aware some children will only come into our care for a few weeks or a few short months, but it is still vitally important for the child's well being that they learn to trust and the only way they will learn this is through having their needs met daily by us.  This will look very different than typical parenting and even what our parenting style will look like when we have biological children.  In this case, we will be "hovering" parents for as long as necessary.  We ask that you trust us, trust our choices and judgements, and most importantly encourage us and pray for us! Your time will come with the foster children we take in and when we go on to have biological children just know we will be ready to pass them around and around....there will be no dirty diaper change offer refused!