......our world came crashing down
......the wind was knocked out of us
......life spiraled out of control
......minutes felt like hours
......the enchantment abruptly faded into distress
......emotional daggers ripped straight through our hearts
......words were completely lost
......the floodgates of tears collapsed and endlessly flowed
......we were damaged and still carry the scars
It has been one whole year since May 30th, 2012, the day we miscarried. It happened exactly 5 days before our 1 year wedding anniversary in which incidentally was the day we intended on sharing publicly the news that we were expecting since we would be past the "safe point". We had signs for a few weeks before which we were comforted and told were normal. Heartbeat was there and the bleeding we found was from a different area, not affecting the growing baby. Before my ultrasound that morning on the 30th I looked over at Brian at our kitchen table as I drank my apple juice and told him I just knew. The whole night before I couldn't sleep as I had this overwhelming feeling that it was over. Our jubilation was soon to be over and I already sensed it. He asked again if I wanted him to come and I said that it's ok, my mom will be there and I will call him. I remember smiling at his concerned look and telling him I'm sure we are overreacting like we did last time and that when he comes home that night I'd have another ultrasound picture on the fridge next to our last one. My heart knew the real truth.
From the start of my ultrasound I knew. My mom knew. I laid their crying warm tears down my cheeks though the tech could not tell us anything. I made mention there was no heartbeat any more. The flicker heartbeat was gone as the flicker flame of excitement for this pregnancy was also quickly extinguished. Before the doctor even came in, the tears had already dropped and I began to pray what I had prayed from the beginning as we were trying....that the Lord giveth and He taketh away. I didn't need her explanation and to be honest every word she said after "I'm sorry" went right over my head. I remember thinking I wanted to treasure every moment while I still had this baby inside of me even though their spirit and heartbeat was no longer there. All I could do was cry and pray. Cry and pray. Cry and pray. Repeat and rinse.
Decisions were swiftly made and surgery that evening would need to follow. I tried to keep my composure as we quietly walked out into the waiting room and to the elevators pretending as if everything was ok. Once those elevator doors closed and my mom and I stood there alone the tears began to fall with all their might. Walking out of the elevator, out of the building, and into our car I couldn't control the tears and I just let them fall leaving a trail behind with all of our hopes and dreams of what could have been.
I remember calling Brian and he asked if he should come home and I told him no I will be fine. My mom and I decided to go to Panera for lunch. She insisted we take it home and I insisted I would be fine, we could eat there. I wasn't fine. It was a total lie. I wanted everything to be as normal as possible in a time that my world was crumbling inside. During our lunch the tears came in quick spurts but as soon as they came they went. I felt like I couldn't cry any more yet somehow from somewhere they would resurface. A phone call came near the end of lunch confirming the surgery specifics for that evening.
I went back to my parents house and laid on the couch watching tv and crying nonstop. We went to the hospital that evening and all I remember is just walking in a daze. In all the overwhelming grief I remember thinking these were the last moments I would carry this child on this side of life. I am glad to this day that I remembered to be conscious in those dark moments to the fact that I was still carrying the lost life physically inside of me. I kept my hand on my stomach most of the day being cognizant of that fact. I never let the grief completely overwhelm and overshadow the fact that this life was with me now and even after surgery would be something I would continue to carry for life. In and out of surgery, no problems. Once I showed them I could drink and eat graham crackers I was wheeled out to the car holding flowers my husband gave me in place of the baby I would not be wheeled out holding.
It was so real and raw that it quickly became surreal. I'm not certain if the physical pain or if the emotional pain was more agonizing. I was laid up and grieving hard. Loved by so many around me and thankful for that yet I was having a deep internal battle. It has now been one full year since that day yet it honestly feels like it all happened yesterday but at the same time a whole lifetime ago. The hope that I would find myself pregnant again in the coming months was the tiny string of hope I was holding onto firmly and what got me through. Looking back now I would not have told me that it would not be so because I desperately swore to myself I would be pregnant before my December due date, by next Mother's Day, by my one year mark of this miscarriage, and by our 2nd year wedding anniversary surely. Little did I know that an entire year later I would still be holding onto that same string of hope as each of these important days go by and I find myself exactly where I was a whole year ago. Progress towards pregnancy has been slow and null.
Today we hold onto the memory of what was. I know people have told me not to let it bother me and to try to forget about it. To be honest I don't want to forget about that baby. I don't want to forget for a moment how elated we were with the positive pregnancy test. I don't want to forget swearing that one pregnancy test had to be wrong and running to Drug Mart on my way to parents house to buy more. I don't want to forget taking the two different brand tests in my parents bathroom and how I couldn't wipe the smile off my face with those two lines on each. I don't want to forget telling my mom right after because I couldn't hold it in. I don't want to forget leaving the Dr. Seuss outfit on our front door handle for Brian to come home to. I don't want to forget his face as he carried it in looking puzzled yet smirking and how proud in that moment he was. I don't want to forget telling each of our families and the wonder and excitement on their faces. I don't want to forget celebrating my first mothers day with that baby in my womb and the wonderful mother-to-be cards I got that day and the texts sent with much love from loving friends and family. I don't want to forget buying in Giant Eagle the What to Expect When You're Expecting book that every new mom gets. I don't want to forget the first ultrasound, the one that showed the first strong heartbeat that was there despite the bleeding that we thought had ended it all. I don't want to forget the two ultrasounds after where we saw this little person forming with hands and legs visible. I don't want to forget the excitement and bursting glee of it all. I don't want to forget Brian referring to the baby weekly as whatever fruit/vegetable the charts said it was the size of; the poppy seed, apple seed, sweet pea, blueberry, raspberry, olive, and prune that he lovingly would refer to as each week passed. I don't and I won't ever forget for it was a blessing to carry that teeny tiny baby for those few weeks and knowing the hope that the baby held for us. Our time will come again for jubilation and excitement but that baby will never be far from our thoughts or forgotten as we will continue to carry them in our hearts forever. The only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing.
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